Valley of the Dorks

Saviour Onassis and I are both from Arizona and we have strong feelings about the entire state. Not only is it where we were born and raised, it's where our families live still, so we go back there fairly often.

SO's parents live in Mesa, a nasty, sprawling suburb of Phoenix. One of my sisters lives there too. The town has only two things to recommend it: a few good Mexican restaurants, and all these orange groves, which smell good (like oranges).

Over the holidays, SO and I met up. We went to dinner, went to a movie, and drove all over tarnation, because the Phoenix metropolitan area is just so stinkin' big. As I sat in the passenger seat of SO's nifty new car, I couldn't help offering the following observation:

BD: I really kind of hate Phoenix.

SO: I totally hate Phoenix! It's totally hate-able! It's so new and stupid.

BD: I always feel it's like LA without a beach.

SO: Oh, Phoenix is totally trying to copy LA, and act like it's in the big time. Phoenix is like, "Look at me! I'm a city! Check me out! I've got crime! I've got a pollution problem! Look at my new freeway!"

BD: Why is Tucson so much cooler? I mean, OK, it's older....

SO: Old things are cool.

BD: Yeah. But it's got a different attitude, too. What does Tucson say?

SO: Tucson is like, "What're you lookin' at?"

BD: What does LA say?

SO: LA says, "I know what you're lookin' at."

BD: What does Scottsdale say? [Scottsdale, it should be noted, is a spiffy suburb of Phoenix. It's where Steven Spielberg, Stevie Nicks and Sandra Bernhard grew up.]

SO: contemptuous, dismissive snort coupled with an elegant roll of the eyes.

BD: What was that again?

SO: repeats sound and gesture of contempt.

BD: Yeah, that's pretty much what Scottsdale says.

SO: Let's go to Costco and buy thing in bulk!

BD: No.

SO: Come on, I'll buy you a case of tequila!

BD: OK!