This is the tale of Sid, portrayed here by my Gorilla, Steve. (The resemblance is really uncanny, but you'll have to take my word on that.) You see, there are no photos of the real Sid because he forbade them. Sid could do that kind of thing because he was a King. He was constantly changing his rules to suit his whims, but the "no photos" one was consistant. I think it had to do with his gigantic ego and uncontrollable vanity. Sid fancied himself the most beautiful creature alive and no one dared contradict him because he controlled the moon and sun, and also the stereo. So, if you didn't want to be stuck listening to some crappy Bono song all day, you agreed with every decree.
Don't get me wrong, he had a sort of imperial charm and when the mood struck, he could be downright foxy. But those moments didn't come often enough and the constant stroking of his ego left the courtesans arms very tired. Sid was a miserable king and no one knew why. Personally, I think it had to do with that tiara always digging into his brain. Sid was all about the bling, filling his castle with diamonds, pearls, gold and braid. His wardrobe was an elaborate monument of excess, adorned with jewels and gems from all over the world. But that's the thing about bling: sometimes it eclipses what it is meant to embellish.
So, it didn't really come as a surprise when Sid disappeared. It was unavoidable, I suppose, that he should forsake the Kingdom he had worked so hard to create, preferring instead to live out his days in solitude, like a golem. I think about Sid from time to time. Occasionally donning the uncomfortable tiara and singing softly to myself:
"You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt"
That is the story of Sid. The King of Kingdom Come.